Doubt

Sunday April 19, 2009

Another gloomy, rainy day spent inside, vegging around not doing much of anything. Did get the Sydney pictures posted on Facebook, yay.

I’ve been having a lot doubt today. Doubt about what I am doing here, what my plans are, if I did the right thing, etc. I mean, I’m not working and when I eventually do I probably won’t be making that much. I am still making my car payments back home and will eventually pay rent and I just have this scary feeling that I am going to end up using up all of my savings. I have been living at home saving up money and now I am scared than in this year all that money that I have been working hard and living at home to save will disappear. It’s a scary thought that I won’t have a big savings to fall back on anymore when I get home but I try to keep telling myself that this is why I stayed home to save money. So I could eventually spend it not on stupid material items, but on an amazing experience(s) and this is what that is. That if I spend a lot of my savings it will be worth it because I will have had an amazing experience that most people wish they could have. But that would involve getting the hell of Tom’s couch and actually doing something. People said it must be nice to have a relative here, someone to stay with but I think it can be a bit of a double edged sword. On one hand, I do have that back up to rely on, but on the other side, it is easy to become complacent. Am I not aggressively trying to figure out what to do in terms of work because I don’t have to? Of course. Whereas if I had no one to depend on here, I would have had to figure all this out before I came, work, living, etc and I wouldn’t have had the chance to become comfortable and lets face it, lazy. It’s just the whole money situation that scares me, about not having enough, or spending all I have and running out, it’s a scary situation. I know if I asked my parents to lend me money if I needed to, they would. I don’t want to do that though, I hate that thought. I’m too proud, I like to have my own money and not rely on people to financially support me (although I am all okay with living with family members for free). I just wouldn’t want to have to ask for a loan from anybody. That prospect really freaks me out. I mean, I am fine right now, but I can’t help but think that I may eventually be headed down that road. What else is freaky is when I see people my age, or younger, and they’re married, have kids or have successful careers. Here I am going to be coming back, with no career, no savings, no ideas about what she wants to do and feeling like I should be further along in life. By the way, on that note, movies suck. I’m watching National Treasure and here is Diane Kruger, who at the age of 28, holds this high ranking job at the US Archives with power and authority. How the hell does that happen? In real life that position is probably held by some middle aged overly serious man who knew somebody and sucked up to somebody for years. Not some young beautiful woman. I mean, what kind of message is that sending us 20-something women? That we should be having some unattainable career, in a position that someone our age would never have? It makes me feel like I am behind the times, like I am slacking in life, like I should be further along than I am. Same with tv shows, teens always get into Yale, Harvard or some other Ivy League school. Then they always get the dream job, when they have no experience or background. That doesn’t happen in real life. We struggle to get the entry level jobs crappy jobs, which always call for a couple years experience. How I ask are you supposed to get experience if no one will hire you if you don’t already have some? Luckily I was able to work at a reputable science company for a couple years, which hopefully will help me land a job when I get back to the States, so I can try to build up that saving account again.

Well I am over my ranting for the night. Sorry, I have just been stressing, but I can’t do that. I made my decision, I am here, I need to make the best of it and not worry too much about money. If things are meant to work out, they will. I believe things always happen the way they are supposed to. I am going to try to go to bed now and not let myself get into my head too much, don’t know how well that’ll work.